‘What if Mumma found out?’

It’s so hot and Ishaan has been wearing socks the whole day. He didn’t take them off for a second. He can’t take a chance. ‘What if someone saw me, the real me? If Mumma saw my toenails painted with her ruby red nail polish, I can’t imagine what she’d think or say’, Ishan shares his diary with TeenBook.

‘What would they say?’

How would she feel if she found out that her son wants to be a girl? Wonder if she has any idea if I am different from Bhaiya? She, Dad and Bhaiya would be so embarrassed. What would they do to me? Wouldn’t my telling them only bring anger, shame, hurt and guilt? At least, right now, only I am the one suffering.

But two years is too long to be hiding my true self. I’m so tired of sneaking around, trying on dresses, experimenting with make-up, alone in my bathroom for no one to see. It is so strange. I fear getting caught, yet I want to get caught. I am meant to be a she and now this ‘she’ wants to be seen by everyone!

‘For how long?’

This urge to come out is so strong; I can barely contain myself. Last month I chanced upon a documentary about a teen transgender in America. She transitioned into a boy by the time she was 17.  This made me wonder, how long would I have to be stuck in this body? When would I become a girl on the outside? I’m already going through puberty and I hate it! I’m getting hair on parts of my body where I don’t want any, my voice has changed and I can see my Adam’s apple. Eeeeew! 

‘I’ll talk to her’

Some days are tougher, I don’t see the point of living if I can’t be the ‘me’ I want to be.  Trapped! I tried talking to Aisha at school last week but couldn’t get her alone. She is my best friend and I’m sure she’ll get what I’m going through. It would mean the world to me to finally have someone safe to confide in. Yup, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll catch Aisha alone and talk to her. 

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